MARRIAGE TIPS

Women think too much and they need a rest from their brain chatter. Laughter gives them rest from it. She will appreciate it. It doesn’t matter, even small funny things.

Even and especially in the first year. You will be grateful if you do. Better deal with a small issue now and learn to get along, than a huge unfixable problem later.

Simply put. What makes sense to you, sounds silly to her and vice versa. Because women think in a totally different way. Counseling will help.

are you better off letting things slide?

It effects women with an instinct to be afraid, flee and protect.

You might not realize that among men we raise our voice a lot. It’s hard to change gears. 

We yell to make a point. Women only yell if they are angry. When your voice goes up they register he is angry at me.

Find things to compliment. It could be something she did. Something she is wearing. Let her know that you notice and value her.

It says I like you. It says I am thinking of you. It says I appreciate you. It says you are beautiful to me. It says you are a princess that deserves pretty things.

Ignore statements such as “you don’t have to buy me a gift for my birthday”.

Treat her with respect. Do chivalrous things. Open the door for her. Help her on with her coat. Help her into her seat. Bring her tea in a pretty cup and sit with her and listen. Let her feel taken care of. Make her feel like a princess. Every woman wants to feel like a princess. Of course you won’t be able to do it all the time, but do it often enough that she knows.

Make it a habit that the first five minutes when you come home is for listening. Ask your wife how her day was. Imagine how good she will feel, knowing that she is first on your mind when you come home.

A good time for listening is after the children are asleep but if she is too tired at that time, do it earlier. It is okay for the kids to see you together talking, it will be a valuable lesson and will give them a sense of stability.

The main thing is that you set times that work for the two of you, and that you keep them. Your wife will look forward to being with you at that time.

“”I don’t have the time”” and “”I’m too busy”” are not acceptable excuses, make the time.

Refrain from sharing your suggestions, opinions or advice, they are not relevant to her feelings. Just listen and understand.

Notice her expressions and body language. Every so often, give her a subtle hint to let her know that you understand. It could be a nod or a soft sound. This will let her know that you are paying attention. If you don’t, she will assume you didn’t understand and repeat herself. She will get aggravated and complain that “he doesn’t listen”.

She wants to know if she is a good wife and a good mother. Don’t focus on the negative, she already has enough negative thoughts about herself. Focus on the positive, remind her of things she does, for you and for the family.

When you see her do something that shows that she is a good wife or mother, point it out, let her know that you appreciate her.

Most men love their wives. But it isn’t in our nature to share our feelings. She is aching to know how you feel about her, and though you told her a week ago and nothing has changed, she is already thinking negative thoughts.

Among men, not seeing or talking for years, doesn’t change how we feel about each other. Among women, not talking for a while, is proof that the friendship has gone south.

Think about it before you tell her, don’t just say meaningless words. Be creative, find new ways to tell her how you feel about her. Saying the same thing for fourty years is not the way to go about it.

Hiring help for housekeeping and for taking care of the children, is a good idea.

If you can afford to have it all the time, then you should. If your budget doesn’t allow you to have it all the time, then have it as much as you can, and at least for the hardest tasks, even once a week, it will make such a big difference.

Pick a few regular chores and make them your responsibility.
It could be cleaning, food preparation, laundry, shopping, taking care of the cars, etc. It is your choice, but pick a few and do them well and reliably.
The best things to choose, are the things she likes to do the least.

When you are home, be involved, don’t sit on your bottom while she slaves away. Ask her what you can do, remember that it is your home too.

When you are taking care of the children don’t call it babysitting, they are your children and your responsibility. When you are with them, you are being a father, not a baby sitter. When you call it babysitting, you are saying that they are not your responsibility and that you are doing a favor. This is hurtful to your wife, because she wants you to be a father to them. When you are a good father to your children, it is so endearing to your wife, she will fall deeper in love with you every time she sees it.

When she does things for you, don’t take her for granted, say thank you, let her know that you appreciate the things she does for you and that you respect her. This might seem small to you, but when she feels appreciated and respected, it will lift her spirits, she will be happy and she won’t feel used.

Most mothers work hard and hardly ever get a break. If you could give her a respite from the kids she will be grateful and you will be a good husband. Being that you will be with the kids you will be a good father as well.

Here are some things you can do to give her rest.
• Learn how to make one or two simple dinners, like sloppy Joe or something else the kids like. Once a week, or every other week, make dinner with the kids, while your wife rests. Make sure to clean up after. Your wife will appreciate it, and your kids will enjoy spending time with you.
• When you have off of work, take the kids out to the park, or do some other activity they enjoy. This will give your wife some quiet time.

At minimum once a month watch the kids so she can get together with her friends. Once a week is better. She needs time with her friends. If you can’t be home, the baby sitter can watch the kids.

It is a long standing tradition, that husbands set up the candles for their wife and daughters to light. This is the way that it is done. Before shabbos, set them into the candelabra or candlesticks, light them for a few seconds and put them out. This will make them easier to light when it comes time for her to light them. Before Yom Tov do this as well, but on Yom Tov you will be in shul when it is time to set them, so she will do it (but if you do set them up on Yom Tov, don’t light them, because you are not allowed to put them out).

Have a dish or two that you make for Shabbos and don’t leave a mess for your wife to clean up. If you can’t do that, have some other preparation that you do, it can even be done on Thursday.

If you can’t help prepare, then help clean up after the Shabbos meal, especially Friday night. She has been on her feet all day preparing for Shabbos and she is probably exhausted.

(I am a big advocate of using disposable dishes, especially when the children are young, it makes clean up a breeze. Unless you have hired help, keep the fancy dishes for special occasions.)

After a long day do something sweet to make her feel special.

Here are some ideas.

• Make her favorite tea, the way she likes it, and bring it to her in a pretty cup.
• Cut up a fruit she likes and bring it to her.
• Bring her a piece of chocolate.
• Bring her some warm water to soak her feet in.

With a little bit of thought, you will come up with some of your own ideas. Small sweet things that will make her feel special.

If your wife has a hobby she likes or she would like to try, be supportive. Here are some ways to do this:

• Buy her a book or a magazine on the subject.

• If you come across an article on the subject, bring it to her or email it to her.

• If she asks you to join her, don’t be difficult, go along with her. You might find that you enjoy it, and even if you don’t, at least you tried, and that will make her happy.

• Offer to get her classes or supplies.

You have to realize that your wife is multifaceted, you have to love and respect all her different qualities. Including her interests, her creativity and her wishes.

Women, like men, have inner struggles and inhibitions, and that is their nature, it is part of who they are. If you try to fix your wife’s inner struggles and inhibitions, you are trying to change her, and that means that you are not happy with who she is. In a sense you are saying that you don’t like her, so it will backfire on you and she will become more unhappy.

For men, there is us and our problems, and they are two separate things, that is why we love to fix our problems. However with women, their inner struggles and inhibitions, is part of who they are, and they rather learn to live with themselves than deny who they are, because it is betraying themselves. Only your wife can choose to change who she is, and if and when she does, be there to support her in her endeavor.

If there is a tragedy that you both are facing, don’t make light of it, and don’t fake being happy. Just let it be what it is, and be comforting.

Listen to her and understand what she is feeling and going through. To her, if you don’t take the time to understand what she is feeling and going through, you simply don’t care about her, and you are making light of the issue. This will bring her to be more hurt and resent you. Just listen and understand, and feel her pain, this itself will give her a lot of comfort.

Sometimes she will have to get out what she’s feeling. It could be while she is talking with you, she could suddenly walk into the room and let it all out and there will be times when she will just burst out with it. It will be so comforting for her to have you, the one she loves and her best friend, there to listen. And when she is done she will feel a lot better.

Being that there isn’t much you can actually do to help the situation, you should do the few things that you can. One of the things that you can do, is to be with her and be available to her in her pain.

If you suffer with her, she won’t be alone, and that will help her deal with the hurt, because it is easier to go through it with someone else.

If you try to cheer her up, you will probably fail, instead, allow her to feel what she is feeling, and let her know that you are there for her when she needs you. This way, her feelings are respected, and validated, and that is comforting. And because she knows that you are there for her when she needs you, it will be comforting as well.

What does it mean to be there for her? To listen to her vent her feelings and to be vulnerable enough to cry with her.

You should know what physical expressions bring your wife comfort and a feeling of being together in harmony, and satisfy that need. 

It could be a gesture as well, that makes her feel loved and cherished. Small or big, if the gesture is done lovingly, and sincerely, it will bring her comfort, at least momentarily. Momentary comfort has value.

There are sometimes that you can tell, that nothing will work. Even the thought that chocolate or shoes will help, is insulting. In that case, be there for her and recognize that it’s an impossible situation. Remind her of who she is, and take her to a place that makes her feel close to Hashem. A place that is beautiful and serene, where she can melt and become one with the world that Hashem created.

There are sometimes that the heart goes numb, and nothing seems to penetrate it. In that case, music, the language of the soul, could be the best way thaw a frozen heart. So if you know the kind of music your wife likes, or the song that gets to her, turn it on.

It is truly amazing, how music can help. How many people have said, that music is what got them through the most difficult of times. It really works, and if it works for your wife, use it.

When things are unfixable and it seems that it will stay that way for a long time, barring some miracle, breakthrough, or the coming of Moshiach. It is a good idea for your wife to be involved in something that she likes, something that will take her mind off the pain. It could be anything that she likes. 

In this case, your job is to be supportive of what she is doing. Your support will be a comfort to her.

When she gets dressed nicely, take a moment and notice and tell her how pretty she looks. She spent a lot of time and energy getting dressed. Let her know that you appreciate her. Learn these words…
Pretty, elegant, classy, amazing, gorgeous, exquisite, stunning, breathtaking. 
Try to use the right term.

Listening requires noticing details and putting the clues together to form a conclusion. At minimum you should notice that something is wrong or that something is different. Then you will be able to ask “What is wrong?” or “What is different?” If not you are “clueless”, don’t be clueless.

Listening is more than hearing words.  Women say a lot without talking. They use facial expressions, body language, clothing and self care to express themselves and expect you to notice.

When women feel understood they feel loved. They will even tell their best friend “I really feel like he understands me”.
Translation: “I feel loved”.
What you need to know is that women have a natural need to be understood.

The reward for becoming a good listener is a happy wife, a deep, close and meaningful relationship.  She will become your strongest advocate and stay by your side thick and thin.

Listening is understanding her from her perspective. To do this, first you need to shut down your way of thinking and experience her feelings from her perspective. This way you really get to know her, not your understanding of her, but her understanding of her.

Women are detail oriented. They especially notice things that are wrong or out of place. For example, she could be all made up and dressed to the nines. You see an amazing, flawless sight. All she sees is a small pimple that appeared on her chin.

Women change every day, so every day there is more to tell. There are also deeper parts of herself to share.

What you heard yesterday is not enough today. There are new facets discovered today that need to be shared. There are also new things going on in her life.

Being natural listeners, women get extremely frustrated when you don’t listen. That makes for an unhappy wife, you don’t want to go there. Becoming a good listener takes a lot of patience and effort and the reward is tremendous.

For women, who they are is extremely important. Therefore, their feelings, their dress, their talents, their abilities and their self expression is of tremendous importance, as it is an expression of who they are.

Therefore complementing what they do, their creativity, how they look or what they are wearing is validating who they are.

More than her talents and appearance, is her inner beauty and her inner strengths, her brain and her heart. As you get to know her, and you see how incredible she is on the inside, make sure you complement her inner self. If you only notice her outside, your feelings for her will begin to seem shallow, and her respect for you will begin to wane.

When you notice the deeper aspects, you are noticing her for who she is as her own person. You have to respect and honor her for who she is. This is so important. You have to love her for who she is, and not for what she does for you. When you love her for who she is, she will feel good when she does things for you. When you love her for what she does for you, she will feel used.

The main thing is to say you love her, but being creative will mean so much more.

Speaking and texting is good, but writing a note or a letter is special and endearing. So use all these means, speak and text often, write notes when you can and every once in a while, write her a letter.

It is common that in certain situations, your wife may be so involved with something, that she will neglect her own needs, and her emotional and physical energy will become depleted. If this happens, all of the challenges she is facing will become magnified, and the pain she will feel inside will be unbearable.

Help her set things up, that she will be taken care of. Work things out, that she will have the time and resources necessary to take care of herself. Meaning, the right foods and supplements, and things that make her feel like a mentch, like clothing and beauty needs. Things that will relieve the tension that builds up in her body, like time at the spa, massages, etc. A vacation to a place that makes her feel happy, and a retreat from all the problems. In other words, give her a chance to feel like a mentch.

If she is already depleted and at the end of her rope, then you have to arrange what is necessary, immediately. Once she is feeling a little better, you can plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again. However, life isn’t perfect, in these situations, you will have ups and downs, and you will have to be flexible and take the punches as they come.

Sometimes she will just need something small to lift her spirits. If you know what makes her feel good, then arrange it. For example, if she likes to watch the waves at the beach, send her there. If there is another place that makes her feel good, send her there. If all fails, new shoes and chocolate usually help for a quick pick-me-up, whatever you know that works you should do. You might think that it is silly, but if it works it works. You might think that it will be short lived, but momentary comfort has value. 

Words mean a lot when they are sincere.

Most men don’t talk much, and among guys that is the way we prefer it. We don’t care to talk about our feelings. We don’t care to be recognized for who we are, but rather, for our accomplishments.

For men, not saying anything means that everything is just grand.

For women, not saying anything leaves a void that they fill with questions. Being ultra-critical of themselves, they mentally beat themselves up, thinking every negative possibility. Needless to say, this makes them unhappy.

This does not mean you have to talk a lot, rather, that some things are important to say.

A letter, whether written by hand, typed or emailed, will give her the opportunity to read and reread it, and it gives you the ability to think about what you are saying and to be accurate. Because you took the time to write it, it will mean so much to her. You should even consider making letter writing a part of your routine, once a week, once a month, before a holiday, etc. If you do, she will be waiting for your letter with joyful anticipation.

(Now that I am unable to speak, I started writing my wife letters every Friday. I now see the value of writing letters, it is so much more than talking.)